Happiness Ahead

Yesterday, we had take out Chinese food and at the end of the meal; I always break my fortune cookie and read my fortune. Yesterday, I took a cookie, broke it open, ate a very tiny piece (they usually have trans fat in them) and read the fortune The fortune said – Happiness is ahead of you – never behind. I told my husband to open his cookie but this time, there had been only the one I opened. So I gave my husband the broken cookie and the fortune and I told him that this was indeed a fortune we could share. He heartily agreed. Today I had a thought – While it was only a silly fortune cookie, to me it represented something more; something I haven’t felt in a very long time – Hope. For thirty-nine years, my husband and I have been pretty happy. We enjoy the life we have built together. We enjoy our home, our dog and each other’s company. And despite all that we have been through these past years, I do believe that our happiness may well be in front of us – and not behind. These days, I think less and less of what has happened in our past. What is there to really think about? Abusive behavior, hurt feelings, bad memories, Not much happiness there, is there? I would much prefer to think about what will happen today and what can happen tomorrow – because these are the places where our happiness truly resides. There are a lot of good things on tap for us, and they not too far down the road. Spring is coming, we have some events and occasions we are looking forward to, and there may even be a surprise or two in the cards….stay tuned! I guess what I am saying is that if our happiness is really ahead of us, then we need to be headed straight for it – or at least traveling in it’s direction. There may be obstacles in our path or bad weather or fog – things that can hide that next horizon where it patiently waits for us. But ‘ya know what? Those obstacles usually can be moved (or pushed) out of the way, the clouds part, the fog lifts and low and behold, there it is – within our reach at last. And then, all we have to do is reach out and grab it…and it is ours.

Let Me Count The Ways

Along with more than one way to skin a cat - (With apologies to all cat lovers out there - it is NOT MY expression lol), we know now that there is more than one type of estrangement. I read once that there were 3 main causes of estrangement from an adult child - usually centering upon their being victimized in some way. These include: 1- Faulty parenting that has caused the child to rebel against once they became adults. 2- An adult child's lifestyle became so unacceptable use of alcohol or drugs or physical abuse. that the parents had to separate themselves. 3- The adult child married a very controlling spouse and if they do not follow the spouses' directives, there will be marital discord. Hmm - Three types - no waiting. But then, what happens to those of us who don't have children who fall into those categories? Are we caught up in estrangement limbo? The three aforementioned excuses seem to place blame on everyone and everything BUT the EC. It is either OUR Fault (EC are poor victims of our dubious and abusive parenting), Demon rum, coke, marijuana or gambling's is to blame (EC are caught in a web of addiction - victimized again ) or our EC have been the dupes of manipulative spouses with no free will or balls of their own - Again the victim. Lord help the poor parent who has an EC that has experienced all three - someone call adult child services! Take my husband and me for instance.. Our children married very passive individuals who wouldn't say sh_t with a mouthful. Our children were given every possible advantage in life, which they took and squandered or shunned outright . Our children considered themselves victims of divorce and decided to take out their hurt on a father who supported them financially and emotionally for all of their child and adulthood. Our children were raised in a very dysfunctional home environment with a biological mother who I would consider to have been experiencing psychosis spurred on by – dare I say just a tad of alcoholism? Our children manipulated, betrayed, lied and excluded their father and me with extreme prejudice - on and off - for almost 40 years. One day they would claim to “love” us and the next, we were treated like dog shit. What gives? When confronted, our children would often profess to not knowing why they had behaved the way they did...perhaps the devil made them do it - but oops, I digress! So from this, we would have to conclude that the reason they behave the way they do is NOT because have been victimized. Perhaps there is another reason - like the fact that they are extremely dysfunctional and mentally unbalanced. So guess I am going to add estrangement type number 4 to the aforementioned list of causes. 4- OUR EC's ATE A BIG BOWL OF CRAZY AND IT WENT RIGHT TO THEIR DYSFUNCTIONAL HEADS! I guess what I am trying to say is that even though there may be a bunch of reasons why these estrangements occurs – it always seems to come back to center on the fact that there has been extreme familial dysfunction – on either or both sides. This dysfunction causes such discord that there can be no other remedy than the estrangement.

Divorce And Other Estrangers

The primary trauma to our children was revolved around a brutal divorce, where people actually SPAT at each other. This was compounded by their insecure and psychologically unbalanced biological mother, a loving father and a stepmother who loved them like they were her own - so much so that she never had any children of her own. My husband's ex - spurred on by the womens liberation ideals of the 70's, decided that she would rather be single and so while obtaining her nursing credentials, tossed her husband out - with nary a thought to the three young children who cared about him. Everything was fine - he would come and take them out weekends until he met and moved in with me - then, all of a sudden, we were living more as a family and he became a villain...someone to be held at arms length and treated like a neighbor rather than a dad. At ages 16, 15 and 13, they sneaked off with their mother to move down to Texas (in violation of a court order) without even saying goodbye to their dad (we came there and found the house empty btw), even though we offered to have them live with us - we had even started looking for a bigger house in an excellent school district for them. Then, when it didn't pan out, they all had to come back home - tails between their legs - I believe that the children tried to always keep their father and me at an emotional distance. I think this made them feel very much conflicted. I think the mother had a lot to do with it. The oldest daughter - who became mother ad litum, raised the other 2 kids as MOMMY worked and dated as a "single gal". I think she may have felt obligated to take over as an emotional watchdog that monitored amount of love and attention they demonstrated towards us to make sure MOMMY didn’t get too pissed off. And so we did the weekend thing - where they would come and stay with us under the ever-present unspoken disapproval of MOMMY. Holidays were even worse because MOMMY did not want to share them with us - We did not qualify as parents did so she wanted Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day to spend with the children. We got to see them for an hour or two - if we were lucky. Christmas Eve was a horror show - we would come home from work, drive out to pick up the kids (about 30 miles) bring them to my husband'mom in Manhattan (40 miles) then back to our place for presents (about 20 miles) and then back to their house (30 miles). An added handicap was that we had to do it all before midnight. MOMMY would call about 11:30 - as we were opening presents - drunkenly asking, "Where are you?” When we would being them home, the house would be dark. How Fucked up is THAT? And folks wonder why we hate the holidays! As they grew up - the mother's dominance and influence morphed into their protectiveness of her - It was all about Poor MOMMY - Poor MOMMY didn't have the money dad & Stepmom made, she didn't have a life's mate like dad did - no one wanted to marry MOMMY - Besides a string of boyfriends who came and went (in fact, the Texas disaster culminated in her finding out the man she had followed there had a wife and family), all MOMMY had was them. So a hive was formed to protect their queen until our ED usurped her and became a queen bee herself. So yes - I think the divorce - coupled with the weak natured, sneaky character of my husband's children which was so apparently inherited from their mother, added to the problems. - It was bound to be a recipe for disaster. My husband's children were secretive in nature, emotionally undemonstrative and all in all, constipated in their behavior. They were an extremely tight-knit and dysfunctional group. I think they were surprised and unbelieving when we would tell them they loved them. Their self-esteem was zero. We knew a family of divorce who could relate to the father - but the mother turned out to be a cheat and so it was a poor Daddy situation rather than a Poor Mommy one. What else can be said - It sucked - but it was what it was -.

A Birthday Party, A Christmas and A Clusterfuck

Now this was one of the lynchpin events, which contributed to the demise of our family. When our GD was turning 2, things were supposedly good with our daughter and the rest of the kids. Everyone was getting along, there was supposedly "love" within our family and life was good. Our gd (and daughter born the same day) had a birthday 3 days before Xmas. Now for a little background - our Xmas down in NY was always a bit of a cluster fuck because the same people showed up every day from birthday - the 22nd until Xmas - the 25th. Four days of holiday and celebration but it wasn't Woodstock I assure you. We had to stay with our daughter because we came down 6hours from NH and needed somewhere to stay. But from the night we came down until the day we left, there were the same people there. There was our daughter, SIL, our son, DIL, our youngest daughter and our daughter's in-laws. EVERY DAY - the same group... Now, I don't know about you, but we found seeing the same people (who had little to talk about), day after day - was a little boring. The second day - yes day (each days visit lasted about 5 hours or more), wasn't a holiday but everyone came over again. Xmas eve, we didn't see everyone - the kids spent Xmas eve at Mommy’s but since they didn't want to leave us alone on Xmas eve, our daughter's in-laws would volunteer to baby-sit us because they were Jewish and didn't celebrate Xmas with their family. Xmas day - everyone was back for the entire day. The day after we would leave. So it was our GD's second birthday - and about 2 days before we left to go down, we received a call from our daughter - She said our GD was sick and so the party would be cancelled. She said that maybe it would be better if we didn't come down that day and maybe just come for Xmas. Since I had everything packed and had already taken time off of work I said we'd come down anyway - even if there was no birthday party. When we drove down to their house - we saw our gd running around outside with her coat open - she didn't look at all "sick" to us - she didn't even have a runny nose. That should have sounded the alarm but stupid us - we didn't think anything of it. Next clue was my SIL bringing in a huge birthday cake which my daughter grabbed and threw across the kitchen - cursing - I was freaked out but when I asked her what was wrong, she said "nothing". So we got through the holiday, went home and then returned several months later to visit again. When our daughter went in to check on our gd, we noticed a stack of pictures on the coffee table - In them was our gd - blowing out birthday candles. When we started talking about when this party might have taken place, our daughter came flying out of the back room - screaming and hollering like a banshee... How dare we talk about her behind her back in her own house? When we asked her what was wrong and when was this party, she screamed at us that she hadn't wanted us there at the party. If she had only been honest, it would have saved us a lot of traveling, expense and boredom. So we left and didn't speak again for 2 years - it was so terrible - we missed our gd and lost 2 years of seeing her grow up. The other siblings did not speak to us either - we were given the silent treatment by all of them. If hadn't been for our GD, we would have probably never spoken to our daughter again Hindsight is 20/20. So don't feel so bad not being invited to the party - Juju - you could have been invited, dis-invited and then humiliated in the process. Just when you think you have it bad, you come across someone else you has it worse.

Actions Without Consequences

Today I received an email from someone I know – no big deal right? In fact I have been receiving an email from her about every other day. The bizarre thing about this is that about a year ago, we were very good friends. Then this same person told me we weren’t friends anymore – in fact, she said that we were NEVER friends at all – This was because I had politely asked her to back off on the emails that obsessively focused on my health and political bent. Now, is it just that this person has a mental problem or is this recent barrage of emails the result of a phenomenon that I have noticed taking place throughout my world. I call it Action without Consequence. It may just be her way of trying to get back into my life – simply by pretending that there is nothing wrong. Just act normal and everything will go back to the way it was. Right? Action without Consequence simply means that you can pretty much do and say whatever you’d like – regardless of the impact it has on other people. Have you insulted someone? Hurt someone’s feelings, Or have you done something perhaps even more reprehensible? How about conveniently forgetting about it – acting like it never happened? Or better yet, how about pulling out that old chestnut about how important our ability to “forget the past” is? So the result of this is that they get to act whatever way they want to – regardless of how it makes us feel and we get to take whatever they dish out and then “forget” about it – until the next time. It’s “win – win” – Isn’t it? At least that’s the way THEY would see it, anyway. But let’s look at Action without Consequence a little more closely – For the person who is dishing out the action, it is basically a dream come true – do or say what you like, nobody holds you accountable. According to these rules, any injured parties have look the other way until the next time you pull something else on them and they get to look the other way again. Trouble is, it kinda sucks for the injured party – doesn’t it? Also – there is never any reciprocity in A w/o C – it is a one way street – people who believe in it – believe that only THEY get to act – which doubly sucks! But come to think of it, isn’t this just what we did with our estranged children? Didn’t we (or at least some of us) look the other way, try to forget past transgressions, allow them to say and do things that hurt us and made us feel bad? And didn’t our ECs do it again and again – because there were no consequences for them to face? Until, perhaps when the ultimate consequence became obvious and then there were no more actions we were willing to overlook. Today I had a thought – I have been through the gamut of indifferent and ultimately, estranged children, weird relationships with narcissistic friends, a bizarre fun-house that was the relationship with my well-meaning but insufferable parents, and a marriage to my man-child first husband, and I have survived them all. I realized that I wasn’t put on this earth just to put up with these ridiculous situations, I merely have to deal with them and then, move on. This is why I can laugh when I think of my ex-friend and her delusions. She thinks that by simply sending me these emails, I will forget all of her insensitive and hurtful behavior and all her transgressions are wiped clean; everything gets to go back to the way it was. Well, I am here to say that the consequence of THAT action is that it just ain’t happening. Not because I am unforgiving or because I am holding onto the past. Rather, it is because I am an intelligent human being and I am holding onto my self-respect. In my world, actions DO have consequences. They always have had, always will. Oh and I know just what to do with those emails my ex-friend sends to me – I simply hit the delete key! Action WITH Consequence – now THAT’s a concept I can get down with!

A Cautionary Tale

A Cautionary Tale Once upon a time, there was a family – at least my husband and I thought there was a family. We had all the look and feel of a family. Of course, there were problems, as with most stepfamilies. The biological mother was bitter and insecure and she did her best to brainwash the children into believing that their father and his “girlfriend” and then new wife, was not significant to them, that we did not really belong as a central part of their lives. But we loved the children and we felt that since the children were young, they would mature and eventually be able to see things as they really were. We also always thought our love for each other would prevail – so we tried to persevere. We went through quite a few mini-estrangements, there was a time when their mother even moved them out of state and each and every time we (correction - I) jump through hoops and bent over backwards to get everybody back together again. We made the usual excuses, they were young, they were confused, they were brainwashed and ergo, fucked up. They need time, they needed patience, and they needed love The years passed and we all got older. But the older these children got, the more problems presented themselves. Little problems and big problems. And it seemed, the more problems there were, the more estrangements – and the more reconciliation, and then, again, even more estrangements. And again, we waited for the children to grow up – to awaken from their arrested development and take their place in a real and rational world– a world where MOMMY’s influence waned significantly and their own self-actualization was realized. And again, we made excuses. They were busy, they were stressed, they were trying to make their way in the world, and they didn’t know how to relate in a normal and meaningful way. They needed more time, they needed more patience, and they needed even more love. So here’s the thing – it took us almost 38 years to figure out that we were playing a very insignificant role in the lives of these children and that they were playing us. We had never really fit in. When we lost our youngest daughter – the one who was the most screwed up emotionally and yet the most real and loving (almost 4 years ago), we had STILL been waiting for the other 2 “children” – then in their 40’s - to grow up. By then, we had had so many set backs – so many false starts, so many dashed hopes. But at the end of the day, we were still making excuses. And then, one day, we looked within and we found that we could no longer find any more excuses to make. We searched long and hard but we just came up empty. The well had run dry. And we knew - right then and there - that there wasn’t anything left for us in those relationships and that it was finally time to walk away. I wonder if Lizzie Borden had killed someone other than her parents, would they have made excuses for her? She was always a good girl – she must have been really upset, really stressed to commit those ax murders. How about Jeffrey Dahmer’s parents? Would they say he was always a good boy and that perhaps those women were asking for it? Now I actually understand a parent’s need to forgive their children, to excuse, to overlook their misdeeds. It is part of a basic survival scenario that is necessary to employ so that they can convince themselves that it wasn’t their fault that their children evolved into hateful, abusive parodies of their beloved offspring - so they can convince themselves that they did not raise “bad” children. But what if these children are no longer able to be empathic and compassionate? What if they are now programmed to be perpetually indifferent and unloving? What if they are just not interested in the needs of their parents and other family members? What if they have just become insignificant to them but they just haven’t “got it” yet? So this is how our story ended – after 38 years, we not only realized that we had been blown off by our ES (for reasons known only to him), but we found that we were still getting jerked around, lied to, manipulated and hurt by our duplicitous ED. As an added attraction, our 23 year old GD was also joining the game and was beginning to blow off our phone calls and not contact us. And so we walked. So consider this to be a cautionary tale folks. And as the waiting to hear from an EC for some of you continues, it might be good to start thinking of what you want your lives to be. Will you always want to be waiting, checking your phone, your email, Is THIS really the way you want to live your lives? So it might really be good to THINK about it. And it is my true hope that it doesn’t take you almost 4 decades to put it all together and realize what is true and what is not true – what is real and what is not real.

Happily Ever After

pm I had a thought last night - When our GC was a baby we bought our ED and SIL a top of the line video camera to record all her cute baby moments. Since we lived 350 miles apart - We thought it would be great to see how she was growing and learning. I realized that in all those years we NEVER received a video tape of her - not in all those years - in fact, we rarely received a photograph of her unless it was the official school photo and we had to wait a LONG time for that one! So that got me started thinking about how many little slights and indifferences went on over the years and how it wasn't just one thing that made up our particular estrangement - it wasn't just one blow up - not one Cecil B DeMille - Rather, it was a conglomerate of the big issues peppered with minute actions that bruised and hurt - a million little things - all painful, all difficult, and all contributing to the reasons to remove oneself from the chaos and unhappiness.. Someone on the forum talked about how forgetting the past and forgiving is the key to reconcilliation with our estranged children - but forgiving so many transgressions - where would one begin? Which would I concern myself with first? The indifference? The emotional detachment? The slights? The lying and deceptions? The exclusions? The ingratitude? The lack of caring? The creation of alienation within our family? The alliances assembed against us? Or would it be not sending those tapes and photos, or not talking about things our baby grandchild would do - (When asked what our little granddaughter was doing or learning or saying, our daughter would say "Oh, NOTHING" - can you imagine have a one or two year old child that learned or did "NOTHING" new all day?) So here is my question - if I ever had the religion or spirituality or whatever it takes to get that element of forgiveness firmly in my grip - where would l start? - what part - if any - would I forgive first? How much patience would I need? How much hope? How much love? And when forgiveness was at last complete - after the interminable list of hurts and wrongdoings finally came to an end, How long would it take for another ugly incident to emerge and start the cycle all over again. But now for the bad news folks, My husband and I already experienced the treatment described above and went through this entire process of putting things in the past and trying to forgive. Only problem was, once the past incidents had been forgotten and forgiven, there were new incidents to deal with. It never ended.- there was always fresh (or repeat) bullsh_t. So for us, happily ever after was a theoretically etheral concept at best. It never really lasted very long at all. 38 years is a long time- I guess stuff adds up.